


What Makes You Happy?

by Tallulah



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Bittersweet, Gen, Questioning, Self-Denial, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-06
Updated: 2019-05-06
Packaged: 2020-02-27 05:00:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18732091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tallulah/pseuds/Tallulah
Summary: Four people answer the question. Or don't.





	What Makes You Happy?

_What makes you happy? What makes you joyful?_

And _not much_ , says L, or perhaps he just smiles and doesn't reply, because real happiness makes you vulnerable, and because lying is amusing. If pushed, he might answer _solving a case is always satisfying_. That's almost the truth (but sometimes, at three p.m., when the sun is just starting to set and the day is changing, the thought of solving the Kira case leaves a sour taste in his mouth). 

But satisfaction is not joy. Satisfaction is quiet and calm and expected. Joy is a lit match. An unexpected delight. L expects most things. He chooses to live his life without being surprised. 

In his head, he will admit that the moment just before he tastes the forkful of cake he pops into his mouth (because you can imagine the taste of cream and sugar, but it's always better than you remember, and sometimes Watari surprises him with something unfamiliar), he feels something he might call joy.

_What makes you happy? What makes you joyful?_

And _oh, lots of things_ , says Matsuda, and grins and shoves his hands in his pockets and talks about movies and sunsets and pretty girls and drinking. And they're true, because Matsuda likes life and likes living it and that's why he clings on to what L said about the good guys always winning when he has the occasional fears (his are around eleven p.m., when he knows he should stop thinking about real life and go to sleep but doesn't) that he won't come out the other side of this case alive. 

But liking is not joy. Liking is constant and fleeting and sometimes so inconsequential you don't notice it. Joy means something. Joy is what you think back on and smile at the end of the day. Matsuda likes to take a positive view of days. He chooses to believe it'll all be all right in the end.

In his head, he will admit that the moment when someone (anyone) says _good job_ or _nice work_ or even just _thanks, I appreciate that_ (because then you have a place, you're needed, you've made their lives slightly better and so maybe they'll want you around), he feels something he might call joy.

_What makes you happy? What makes you joyful?_

And _shinigami don't do that kind of stuff_ , says Ryuk, and laughs and flaps his wings. Because shinigami live in a world of dead and dust and sand crunching under your teeth and joy is not something they're supposed to need. If Ryuk is feeling talkative, he might say _what, you think I'm one of those shinigami who fall in love with a human? Don't let the manga fool you. There really aren't that many of us. Besides, it never looked very joyful to me._ He doesn't get occasional fears. He knows his feelings won't get the jump on him, not ever.

If pushed, he might say, _well, apples, of course. I gotta have apples._ And munch on one and spit juice everywhere and throw back his long, bony head and sigh happily.

But addiction is not joy. Addiction kicks you in the teeth when you don't get your fix and its downside is as big as its up. Joy is purer. Although how pure can a god of death be, anyway? Ryuk doesn't even raise the question.

In his head, he will admit that the moment when Raito does something and people die and all the humans scurry about and Raito laughs, or yells, or cries (because you can never predict what's going to happen, how it's gonna end, and it knocks all those games with thrown skulls out of the water), he feels something he might call joy.

_What makes you happy? What makes you joyful?_

And _that's a difficult question_ , says Raito, and shrugs and smiles modestly, as though to apologise for being intelligent enough to see all the different ways in which it could be answered. Because it depends why you're asking, and what you expect, and what you're going to do with the information. If pushed, he might answer, _well, success is always enjoyable_ and what he really means is _winning_ but he probably won't say that to your face. And certainly on the rare occasions when he wakes at four a.m. from dreams where he has _not_ won (like the one where he failed his exams, or the one where he didn't get into Tokyo-U, or the one where he got hanged for being Kira) he thinks that winning must give him joy, because losing gives him so much terror.

Terror is not joy. Raito knows this, because he's not stupid.

In his head, he will admit that the moment when he sees them die (because it proves he is a god and that he has _won_ and that he can do anything, anything at all, there are no limits, there are no _rules_ ) he feels something he knows is joy.

But when you put it like that, it doesn't sound appropriate. So he doesn't admit it for long.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written for dn_contest on LiveJournal, prompt "Joy".


End file.
